10 Things You Should NOT Do If You’re In A Band (Tour Edition)

So you’re in a band, eh? You’ve made a few recordings, met some people, sold out shows at your local venue, and have a ton of “friends” on Myspace? It’s time to hit the road duders!Whether it’s a quick jaunt across your home state or a huge ass, worldwide tour Rolling Stones style, here are a few things you probably shouldn’t do if you want this thing to run smoothly:

1. Don’t Forget To Tune Up The Van Before You Leave

Take an hour and check your fluids, air pressure, stuff like that. It’s worth putting down the PS3 controller and doing, trust me. There is nothing like getting 15 miles out of town and finding yourself out of oil, overheated, with a flat, ect. But if you do, there is always AAA (see # 4)...

2. Don’t Treat Venue Staff Like Crap

I don’t care if you’re Mick Jagger, Bono, the Pope, or all three rolled into one; BE NICE TO THESE PEOPLE. You are in their home now and they do not live to serve you. Even if their job description is ‘Artist Relations’, chances are they have other responsibilities too.  Oh, and if your a dick, you probably won’t be invited to play there again. You catch more flies with honey, bitches. 

3.Don’t Forget Your Camera

So you can bore all your friends with all the pictures of the horrible accommodations, flat tires, mullets, crazy homeless people, and purple mountains majesty you see along the way. 

4. Don’t Forget Your AAA Card 

Membership is only like $85 a year and the service is invaluable in the shit situations you WILL find yourselves in at some point.

5. Sleep With Groupies

One word, or acronym rather; STD’s. That’s one souvenir you do not want to come home with. If you got a lady (or man) waiting for you at home -- be respectful --you’ll be better off in the long run for it. 

6. Drink/Smoke Too Much Before Your Set

Why? Because you don’t want to be this guy:

7. Don't Start Drama

This one is self-explanatory. If someone is pissing you off just walk away, put in your earphones (See # 10), or talk it out like adults (after taking a moment to cool off). Whatever you do, don’t be the guy that starts it. That’s the short route to finding yourself hitch-hiking in the hot ass desert somewhere between Moab and Las Vegas, cursing yourself for in a moment of rage calling out the band after a bad show. Wait ‘till your home to pick bones, ya dig?

8. Don’t Drink And Drive/ Drive Tired

Seriously this can turn tragic real fast. DON’T DO IT!  I would be more worried about you life, the lives of the countless other people on the road, the possibility of prison time (butt-rape), and the guilt that will eat you away for the rest of your life, than missing or being late to your next gig and getting behind the wheel inebriated or tired. Sober and rest up before you hit the road, switch out drivers, throw the keys into a sewer if necessary, just don’t be foolish. 

9. Don’t Forget About The Mid-west/Mountain West/South West/Or Any Other “Uncharted” Territory

Living in one of these aforementioned areas all I can say is that is sucks getting passed up by good tours so often. If a band does comes through, chances are I’m going to be blowing all my lunch money on their merch and offering them a few bucks for gas money. Trust me, you might not be playing to packed clubs but your fans in Wichita are just as important as the ones in New York City and often times more willing to shell out more cash knowing it will be some time before you roll back through town. 

10. Don’t Forget An iPod/Zune/Walkman Tape Player

At some point the dudes you are with are going to piss you off beyond words. It may be their incessant farting, their drunken antics, lack of respect for person space, ect. Something at some point will piss you off, it’s inevitable. Too bad for you there are still 15 dates left on your tour and you left your iPod on your dresser in your room at your parents house so all you have left to listen to is their annoying ass voice, snoring, fingernail clipping, and the sound of your inner-voice telling you to beat seven shades of shit out of this ass-hat. Tough luck, dude. 

BONUS- Don't Neglect Your Ears

You like music don’t you? That’s probably not going to change unless you loose your hearing at 30 from constantly being around loud, live music and never wearing earplugs. You are going to be watching countless bands that open or play after you whilst on this tour, do yourself a favor and invest $2 for a 10 pack of those orange earplugs. Go ahead, bitch all day about how they don’t “look cool” or whatever but in ten years when everyone else in your band sits around the living room and shouts “huh” or “say that again”, come on back and thank me.  Also if you must know, earplugs tend to filter out some of the extra noise that goes on during live shows, resulting in better sound and less risk of acoustic shock. 

DOUBLE BONUS- Don’t Shower Before You Leave

Don’t do it. Save the water. You’re going to smell like a stale taint in a few days anyway. 

Leave your tips of what band’s should or should not do while on tour in the comments section.